Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i came on her dog
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
