I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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