drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize