i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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