I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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