pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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