I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
