the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
