God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
