She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
