So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
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According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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