my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
