I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
