Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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