no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
