I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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