who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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