so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
