I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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