i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
