It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
