Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
