Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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