we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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