you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
