found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
