my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
