My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
organizing the empties. That sober.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
