Have you finally orgasmed yet?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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