I think I won the penis lottery.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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