just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
