I'm so fucking centered right now
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
