My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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