yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
