found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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