Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
