maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
