My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
