remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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