found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
