Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
