I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize