after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
