the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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