my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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