Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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