so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
