The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
