Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Randomize
