he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
