Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
