Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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