Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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